Humor -- ATC and The Airlines

Aviation Humor -- ATC and the Airlines

This Japanese airlines plane is approaching Honolulu international when the tower gives the pilot a clearance he's not familiar with. So he says: ATC could you please walk me through that clearance, it's been a while since I was here last.
ATC: Oh yeah when were you here last?
Pilot: December 8, 1941!
DCA clearance delivery responded to a request for an IFR clearance with a rapid-fire clearance that went on and on, with various VORs, fixes, altitudes, etc. After a pause, a voice came back, in a slow Texas drawl, "OK, now why don't ya'll say that again, real slow, as if it mattered."
A pilot was attempting to deal with New York, and the controller shot everything out a mile a minute. The pilot came back with "New York, you hear how fast I'm a-talkin'? Well, that's how fast I'm a-listnin.'"
Another pilot obtaining a clearance from the Trenton controller who shot back "Trenton, you can repeat that, oh, about ten times. Or you can say it again once slowly."
At London Gatwick: an Air France A320 is making an auto-approach. At 200 feet, the computer decided to make a go-around with no reason and no command from the crew. Here is what we head on the TWR freq.:
     Air France: London from Air France 1234, It's going around!
     London TWR: Air France 1234, report intentions
     Air France: Well ... to go with it sir!
It was a quiet morning in the control tower at the airport where I was working. I was in the tower position, and my friend was on ground control. One of the small commuters had just landed, and as they taxied to the ramp the female pilot hit the wrong button and her "thank-you for flying with XXX airlines" message went out on the ground control frequency instead of the intercom. My friend heard this, made some wrong assumptions, and made the following VERY un-PC broadcast on his frequency: "Attention all airlines, someone has a stewardess talking on the radio."
American 127: San Jose Ground, American 127 off 30R, request taxi instructions
Ground: American 127, if able turn off at next intersection and taxi to gate. If unable, take the Guadeloupe exit off highway 101 and turn right at the first intersection to get back to the airport.
"Atlanta tower, United 123 is with you."
"United 123, you are cleared to land on 27 right."
"Atlanta tower, Delta 765."
"Delta 765, you are cleared to land on 9 left."
After a pause to digest this, we hear....
"Uh... Atlanta, I think you have that United flight and us coming into the same runway in opposite directions?"
Another pause..
"Y'all be careful, now, y' hear?"
Tower: United 123, traffic 3 o'clock, 2 miles, an American Fokker 100.
United: Tower, United 123. I've wanted to say this for a long time: I'VE GOT THAT FOKKER IN SIGHT!
Oakland Center at 2100 local. late at night, very light traffic.
United 21 is going to Hawaii from NY at FL390, this is WAFDOF but he's a long hauler so we try to let them fly at optimum altitude. Speedbird 35 is going to Chicago from Hawaii at FL 390.
United21: United 21, Oakland Center, level 390
Center: United 21, 390
Speedbird35: Speedbird 35, Oakland Center, level 390
Center: Speedbird 35, 390
At this point the controller student (me) says "those two are pointed right at each other!". They we're 300 miles apart pointed nose to nose. The controller and student then have a quick discussion about ways of insuring we wouldn't make a big noise over Modesto. The solution proposed by the student (me again) was to turn one 10 degrees right, the other 10 degrees right, let them get approx. 10 miles lateral separation (5 is the minimum), pass, and then clear them back on course. I could tell the controller was mighty proud of his student's clear thinking! So he let the student do some ATC work!
Student: Speedbird35 turn 10 degrees right for traffic, expect direct Coaldale
Speedbird35: 10 right, expect Coaldale, Speedbird35
Student: United 21 turn 10 degrees right for traffic, expect direct Fuzzy
United21: Long pause..... Center.... we're going all the way to Hawaii tonight, how about turning our traffic out of our way.
This wasn't how it was supposed to work? The student looked to his mentor for direction. The instructor took over.
Center: United 21, turn 20 degrees right for traffic, traffic 12 o'clock, opposite direction, same altitude.
United 21: Center do you realize how much fuel a 747 will burn with this vector?
By this time the Speedbird is slowly moving off to the right. They won't bang together anymore but in the ATC lingo, we're about to have a deal. I'm ready to do anything! The old salty controller reply's in a slow measured response.
Center: United 21 understood, advise you rig for midair collision and flash the seatbelt sign.
United 21: 20 degrees right, expect direct!
"American 303 heavy, DFW tower. Make 360 for sequencing."
"DFW, American 303 heavy. Do you know how much it costs the airline for me to 360 this thing? About $2600!"
"American 303 heavy, DFW. Make one of those $2600 turns for sequencing, then report outer marker."
One day Airline A's DC-9 was approaching Glasgow minutes ahead of a Airline B's 737. The DC-9 got clearance for the descent and the 737 soon after. After handover from the Airways to the Area Radar facility it was noticed that the 737 which was behind the DC-9 was catching up the DC-9 even though they were both reduced to the same speed 250kts. The 737 was advised by ATC then to reduce to 230 knots for separation. Several more minutes went by and the ATC radar noticed that still, the 737 was catching up the DC-9. So, the 737 crew were advised to reduce to 210kts. Again the 737 was told to reduce speed once again. This time the Captain replied to the instruction "Don't you know the Stalling speed of a 737 is?". To which the ATC replied "I have no idea but if you ask the pilot sitting next to you, he might know!"
Overheard at DCA:
Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."

Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330
or 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and
give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?"

Pilot: "Approach, Federated 303's with at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop.
Approach: "Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service."
Pilot: "We'll take the VOR then."
Approach: "Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby."
Pilot: "OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then."
Approach: "303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation."
Pilot: "OK, approach. State my intentions."

Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name
you'd get a better response!"

Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME."
Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'."
Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate."
Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?"
Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours."

Center : XX123 contact tower on 118.10 and report position.
XX123 : Switching to 118.10, and I am sitting at the firs seat in front of everyone.

One of the very first space shuttle flights.
Shuttle COLUMBUS in orbit above Spain:
COLUMBIA:      Saragosso Tower, this is COLUMBUS. How do you read me?
SARAGOSSO TWR: Read you five by five. What's your callsign?
COLUMBIA:      COLUMBUS.
SARAGOSSO TWR: ??? What's your altitude?
COLUMBIA:      One Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero Zero

Many thanks to Cazfry Computing